Can I just be totally honest with you? I plain old don’t feel good. Two weeks ago I underwent major surgery to relieve the compression from my Thoracic Outlet Syndrome by removing my first rib and my left scalene muscle (which is one of the neck muscles). While recovery has been going as well as can possibly be expected, I just don’t feel good. I don’t have a ton of pain, but my body has definitely suffered a huge trauma and is quick to remind me. I’m fourteen days post-op at this point and I’m tired of my living room looking like a makeshift hospital room, my four bouquets of flowers are dying, and all the amazing meals that have been brought to us by even more amazing friends and family just make me nauseous. There’s no fun having going on over here at all.
This week has been difficult. Because my husband had go back to work this week, I’ve cut way back on my pain meds to only one overnight dose since I have to be able to take my daughter to school in the morning and be somewhat functional. And for the most part I’m good. But there’s nothing like taking a shower and getting myself together to remind me of just how NOT long ago my surgery was. It’s exhausting! No wonder I made it on the Rachael Ray Show! I’ve also been dealing with this unnerving realization that I lost an entire week of my life that first week after surgery, and I have no idea where it went. It kinda freaks me out. Have you ever been there? I know I was heavily medicated that whole week as per doctor’s orders, and I know that people came to see me and we talked, but I only remember it as if someone had told me about it and it was more their memories than mine. It’s bizarre and leaves me feeling very out of control. Not a fan.
Can I be honest about something else? This has not been a great time of getting closer to the Lord through my suffering. Sorry. It just hasn’t. I’ve heard and read those types of sentiments. Those flowery words from people that go something like this: “Use this time of your recovery to pray and read and just rest in Jesus’ arms and grow closer to Him.” Nope. Not happening. It’s more like survival mode. How am I going to get through today? I need to shower and then I need to rest. Then I’ll dry my hair and then I’ll need rest again. Then I’ll need someone to run me out somewhere but only for about a half an hour at a time because then I’ll need to rest. It’s all very exciting (insert sarcasm font here) and I’m trying so hard not to get frustrated.
Then I take a moment to survey all I’m thankful for…
I survived the surgery.
I’m recovering better than expected.
I got to go to the best doctor in the country for this specialty at the best hospital in the country.
God’s sovereignty protected me as my surgery in Baltimore was the week before the riots started and not the week of.
My children are happy and healthy.
My husband takes such good care of me.
I have no shortage of friends willing to bring a meal or help us out or break into my house when they couldn't find me and thought I might not be ok. Yup. That happened.
There are people going through so much worse than this.
I feel blessed.
Going through this list I realize that while I may not feel like I’m growing closer to the Lord or resting in Him, I am worshipping. Gratitude is an act of worship. I also realize that there will be times in our lives when we can’t pray, or read, or worship, and that's when we can rest and rely on the prayers of those praying for us. Goodness am I so thankful for all your prayers. Please don't stop them yet! Thank you for sustaining me in the Spirit when I couldn't sustain myself. All along I’ve been resting in His arms and I didn't have to do a darn thing to make that happen. God is so good isn't He? He picks us up when we can’t get up ourselves and honors the prayers of others on our behalf.
So, next week I’ll start physical therapy and try to find a new normal. Goodness gracious will I need your prayers then! In the meantime, I’m getting rid of these dead flowers, putting the cards away, and turning my living room back into a living room. You can keep the meals coming though ;)
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